It’s been 5 days. 5 days since my life changed and I no longer have a sidekick. 5 days since I had to say goodbye. 5 days of torture. 5 days to learn how to move forward without something that has stood steady by my side for the previous 13 years. 13 years.13 years of laughter. 13 years of her being my favorite shotgun rider. 13 years as my travel buddy. 13 years of a mutual bond reliant on taking care of each other. 13 years of sophia being the perfect puzzle piece to my life. 13 years of sophia being my very best friend. 1,113,880 hours. Now it's been 5 days. 5 days to grieve. 5 days to accept it. 5 days later everyone is telling me to “feel better” or “you should getting back to normal” My first 5 days, my first 120 hours, my first, unwanted try at “normal” after my 13 years with you. My first 120 hours completely on my own, for the first time, ever. For the sake of honesty… so far… It’s not going well.
I went to the beach for the first time without you by my side today and all I could think was that you should be here. When the worst case diagnosis was 3-6 months… I cried because that wasn’t enough time… Now I cry because I would give anything to have that 3-6 months. To of had so much hope last week and to be here, now, in this position is just gut wrenching pain… Thankfully, the day to day pain is incomparable to the shock factor. I swear I was physically in pain and continue to feel physical pain during this. Through these past few days I felt sadness, anger, and pain like never before. In my own way, I am so lucky to of not lost someone close to me… permanently. Yes, I have had my trials and tribulations… I lost my granny Edith around 10 and I was sad… but I was protected from feeling the fully severity of her loss by my age. I have been through close calls with my family but thankfully, so far, they have been reversible or treatable. I guess now I can say I have loved and I have lost. I knew it was inevitable… but damn. nothing can prepare you for it. I'm sorry I couldn't take this pain away in this life Sophia but I know you are running blissful and free in heaven. I hope the angels know what they have.
The only thing that brings me some comfort and I hate it was not a lasting feeling…
When I held her as she left this world I told her I would meet her at the beach… for just a moment… I felt peace. It was like on her way out, she squeezed my heart one last time. To let me know it was okay and that I, eventually, will be okay too.
I would say my current state of mind goes something like...
Think sex in the city… When Carrie asks Miranda “Will I ever laugh again?” and her best friend’s response is “Yes, when something is really, really funny”
I can’t wait for that day.
While her and I’s journey are intertwined, this is about her. Through my grief, I have found the answer to one very simple but well known question;
“tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - Arthur Henry Hallum
Ill re-read my chapter with her forever and talk to her in my prayers now. I wouldn’t trade our soul tied 13 years for anything. Even if it meant enduring this pain forever. Truly… How lucky am I to of had something that made saying goodbye so hard? Even in this grief, I know it is so much better to have loved. Sophia was so loved, by everyone she met. If you had the honor to meet my sweet Sophia, Just know you were loved too. She got me through my teenage years and the start of my 20s. I think she knew I was ready to start this new journey of mine and finally strong enough to do it on my own... I’m not convinced yet, but I trust her. That’s not what I ever wanted, but I trust her.
Miss sophia never quite caught on to the face that she was a dog. She posed for pictures, sat in on all the gossip sessions, never intruded and was always just happy to be included. She was a high maintenance girlie at heart. I hope she’s sitting in the highest seat in the room, people watching, and enjoying a yogurt lick bowl with her treat puzzle waiting as dessert.
I know one day I will love another dog with your blessing but you were my one and only soul dog. If someone would’ve handed me papers to sign my life away... to never make another dollar the rest of my life, to lose a limb or multiple, to listen to the sound you made when you licked on repeat (iykyk, but i would give anything to hear that again.) to climb the tallest mountains through the most brutal conditions, to sacrifice something meaningful of any multitude…If it meant she could be my side forever… I would’ve asked “Where’s a pen?”.
She would’ve picked me in a room full of people and I her.
I don’t know how to move forward, but i’m hoping over time I will learn how to. I know I am in a place of grief and i don’t mean to make others sad. This is how I am trying to heal and process loosing something tied to my soul. I won’t consider her a missing puzzle piece as she will always be with me, just as my guardian angel now. She will always complete me, make me a better person, be my favorite sidekick, and my favorite topic of conversation.
Once thing I know for certain… If she could have lived on love, she would have lived forever. She will always be my favorite memory.
"Grief is love with no place to go. " - unknown
If you knew my sweet girl Sophia, sometimes known as Sapphire, baby, Soph, Queen, sophie and love of my life… Always feel free to talk to me about her, she will always be one of my favorite topics. Please send me memories, photos, videos, stories and all of the above of her. I'm going to make a story highlight on my instagram and use the comments as a place I can return to when any of us are missing her, I want to tell my kids about her, or just need a pick me up. I will always love you more than life Sophia. I’ll bring you some chicken and we can go on bike ride. i’ll meet you on the beach, but i know… not near the water baby.
Until we meet again.
This may be hard to understand, I have developed a sense of calm I've never had before when it comes to thinking about "my time"... I have something to look forward to on the other side.
God this is my acclimation that when it’s my time, I need and pray
I see her running towards me.
I pose a new question to leave you with today and I am hoping I can provide an update one day…
Does it ever truly heal or do you just learn to live with the grief?
It truly heals
You learn to live with it
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